Relationships are one of the most important things in a person's life. We cherish them and when they don't work out, it can cause psychological distress. Relationships are also key to our happiness, quality of life and well-being. Here is a TED talk about relationships and happiness.
Why do we get into relationships?
We get into relationships because they meet our needs. Need can be defined as the necessary things for living beings to live a healthy contented life. There are:
Physical needs: food, shelter, water, clothing, rest, activity.
Psychological or Interpersonal Needs: Needs of intimacy, security, affiliation, affection, self-esteem, need of achievement, pleasure, acceptance etc.
Social Needs: identity, status, connection to others (community) etc.
Different relationships may cater to different needs. Our relationships with our parents, family, friends and marriage all might cater to our different needs. What relationships cater to which needs may differ from person to person. Friendship might cater to the need of affiliation for one and status and self-esteem to another. Marriage might cater to the needs of pleasure, affection, intimacy, security and acceptance etc.
Relationships also define who we are. Early relationships with our parents gives us our sense of self, determines our self-esteem, our trust with others and the world, how we come to view ourselves and others. Relationships with our parents becomes a template on how we view other relationships in the future. So, how future relationships turn out to be, maintaining, initiating, managing conflict, communication etc. can all depend on our early relationships.
Strategies to Improve Relationships
Each person involved in the relationship may expect the relationship to cater to different needs. These expectations and needs maybe compatible or not.
Step 1: Recognizing the differences
Circumstances and Characteristics
Understand the circumstances and characteristics of both the parties involved in the relationship.
Circumstances are the age, generation, life experiences, values, practices of the community, health, employment, family etc.
Characteristics are the personality, values, worldview, ethnicity, gender. It can also include religious attitudes, lifestyles, cultural practices etc.
Looking at circumstances and characteristics of yourself and your partner could give you insights on where the differences are coming from and why they are happening.
Awareness of needs
We first need to be aware of our needs. Ask yourself the question "what are my expectations from this relationship, what are my needs". It may be parts of all three of the needs mentioned above and through communication and listening one can understand the needs on the other party involved in the relationship as well.
Compatibility
A 100% compatibility is not possible since, all human beings are different, born, grew up in different circumstances, have different personalities and capacities. But, even with these differences we can make relationships work. Hence, positively managing these differences becomes an important aspect.
Step 2: Managing conflicts and differences
Managing conflicts involves two skills, communication and listening skills. Under communication skills there are:
1. Reception: Receiving messages, how we make sense of what the other person is saying and what meanings we take from it.
2. Expression: Expression of our own ideas, thoughts and needs.
But before we get into managing differences and conflicts we need to create an atmosphere to communicate and listen safely.
Create a safe space
To openly communicate deep, personal things, it is first important to create trust which will create comfort and a safe zone for you to communicate. You create this through an understanding that you both will listen to each other, accept and not judge each other, will try and empathize and understand each other. And not only say these in words but also show them when communicating sensitive things to create trust. The pre-requisites for communication and negotiation are trust, a feeling of safe space; that is the feeling that one can express freely and will be understood without judgement.
Communication
There needs to be an open, calm and mature communication from both the parties. This step is crucial towards improving the relationship. As a rule of thumb do not have a discussion when emotions like anger, frustration etc. are running high. If that happens stop the conversation and try again next time when both wish to communicate and are calm.
When listening (receiving) try to understand the needs of the other person. For example: "We are not like we used to be before" would be the need for affection, love, intimacy which might translate practically into spending more time with each other or making time for each other.
Also try to understand changes in circumstances. The tension in the relationship might be due to circumstantial change, which leads to different leads. For example: Moving to a different city, new colleagues, establishing a new home (change in circumstances). Needs of support, security, self-esteem etc. may arise due to the work involved in moving to a city that is completely new; as opposed to the safety and support at home. These may have their effects on the relationship as well; where one might fall back on the relationship for the fulfillment of all these needs which weren't there before.
Managing differences- Appreciate, Accept and Resolve
How to deal with differences which are exact opposites. For example, partner A is an introvert (characteristic); who might want intimacy and affiliation through both of them spending time together alone and watch a movie. But partner B might want affiliation and intimacy (need) through going to a party together and have a good time there, an extrovert (characteristic). Now, what is important to do is to find a middle ground, a balance. This happens through the communication of the needs behind the characteristic. Maybe some days they can sit at home and some other days they could attend a party. Both their needs are met and are satisfied. Sit together, communicate, listen and come to an agreed solution.
Also, try and appreciate the differences, accept the differences rather than reject them. We are all humans, we all have differences, let's appreciate them and try to make sure both the person's needs are met in the relationship. Sometimes, the difference in backgrounds of individuals; be it nationality, cultures, religions etc. Be curious about learning a different culture, religion, visiting a different nation. Appreciate the culture, accept the differences that exist.
Change attitudes towards differences and change in behavior will follow too. However different we are; we can always find similarities, we can always find a mid ground; if we communicate and collaborate calmly.
Comentários